Coming clean
I'm sick. And I'm really lonely. I hate saying that. It sounds so dramatic. It's something that comes and goes...for everybody, I think. But it's worse when you're sick. And when it's Christmas.
My friends have asked me what I'm doing for Christmas. I laugh and shrug and say "probably working." And they accept it and move on. Only I realize now that Christmas is on Sunday. I'm not working. I don't have any excuses or any distractions. I don't have anywhere to go. I'm sure any of my friends would welcome me at their house, but I don't want to be the last-minute guest, the "Christmas orphan" anymore. I want to be expected by someone, not invited.
I wish I had someone to take care of me when I'm sick. Or even just to sit with me while I'm stuck on the couch. I watched TV for 8 hours straight today and prayed that someone would come see me. I have good friends. They know that I'm sick, but they don't know that I need them, and I am always too proud to ask. When my phone rang I cheered. But it was my roommate calling to tell me she would be at her parents' house all night and not to worry about her. I hardly see her when she's here, but knowing she is in the next room can be so comforting I can't even explain. Just that there is life in my house with me. That's why I am grateful for my cat. I never feel completely alone with her here. She's all I've got tonight because I waited too long and now everyone I could call will be asleep.
I never want to be burdensome or demanding. But it can't be too much to want someone to want to spend Christmas with me or want to sit with me when I'm sick, because I would do that for someone. I would love to do that for someone.
Sorry to unload like this.
One good thing about tonight was my shower with Sudacare vapor tablets. Turns your bathroom into a mentholyptis steam room. And as no one was home, I could listen to my music as loud as I wanted. I also cried as loud as I wanted. I'm not adding that for pity, but to illustrate how therapeutic the whole experience was. Everyone should have a good cry-out at least once every three months, it's healthy. Anyway, I highly endorse the product. Best shower in a long time.
posted by Nora @ Monday, December 19, 2005
1 Comments:
I don't think asking for help when you need it would be considered demanding. I had a headache for nearly eight years, and I needed help with all kinds of things. Especially stupid schoolwork. I was embarrassed to always be in the classroom m-f for two or three hours after school got out, asking the same questions over and over because I kept forgetting, was too tired/sick to study on my own, or because I couldn't concentrate with the throbbing pain pushing down through my skull.
There were plenty of times when I felt like I was bugging the mff out of my teacher. One of the days I was in the classroom after school making up homework, my teacher looked up from his own work and told me that he was proud of me for being there every day. We hadn't been talking or anything, he just said it at random. So, if you need something, I would say to just ask someone. Even if it's embarrassing or humiliating.
On a less somber note, I like to pick up my softer than soft cat and rub my face in her fur. When I feel like crap, and she always puts up with it. Sometimes she even purrs. I know it's gross and that I could get sick from putting my face all over a dirty animal. Especially an animal that cleans herself all over with only her tongue. And one that probably has fleas. I always get in trouble for putting my face on the cat. But she's too soft not to!
I don't know what's proper to say about the things you deal with other than sorry you're feeling like this; (because I usually do most things by myself and voluntarily spend my free time alone).
Here is something extra, extra happy, in case you want to see. It's just kittens, though.
I looked at every single one of those cats. I want all of them. Sorry to make this so extra long.
Post a Comment
<< Home